Normally, I am not one to do the whole New Year’s resolution thing.  I figure that every day is a good day to start on something important, so why wait until January 1st?  Yesterday, though, I read an interesting idea about how to approach this kind of thing (actually, I’ve read a couple, but the first one is much more complicated).

Basically, the idea is that most people don’t have success with resolutions (of any kind, really) because they focus on the wrong thing.  To borrow Marina’s example:

“I will DO this thing.” (i.e., Lose weight) “So I can HAVE this other thing” (Self-Esteem) and I can BE this thing. (Confident.)

Given this, she suggests that rather than focus on an activity, one should focus instead on a state of being, summed up in a word.  Her word for this year: harmony.

This is an interesting observation.  For one, there are many ways to gain confidence.  Second, it might be that weight gain is a symptom of insecurity, and thus treating the symptom will not yield long term success.  The idea here is that if what you really want is to be confident, to feel good about yourself, you ought to focus on that.  Not on some sort of ancillary thing.

I like this idea a lot.  Partly because it requires that a person first take a little time to think about what it is they really want their life to look like (I like anything that encourages me to do that), and partly because I believe that a lot of the flavor of life is a result of one’s attitude.

I had originally thought to borrow Marina’s word for the year (harmony).  After sleeping on it, though, I think what I will need this year more than anything isn’t harmony, but faith.  I am in uncharted waters in more than one area of my life, and to get through these challenges I need to feel that it’s possible.  To me, this is what faith is all about.

So, if you had to pick a word that would sum up how you’d like your life to improve this next year or so, what would it be?

Posted: January 5th, 2009 under all.
Comments: 2

Yes, again.  Just in time for it to be dark and cold, snow-sticky weather.  I discovered this as I wandered out of one of our sheds this evening.  I am still trying to get moved into my parents’ house.  By the time I get to bed tonight, I should have everything up off the floor in my bedroom.  But that still leaves the stuff in dad’s truck and the trailer.  And the stuff in the livingroom.

This is obviously going to be a process.

Snow doesn’t make it any easier, believe me.

+++++

Today wasn’t all doom-and-gloom.  This morning I got an invite to go have breakfast with my brother Emmett and his family (wife, son and brother-in-law).  This meant getting a chance to hang out a bit with my nephew (who is too busy being a toddler and loving the heck out of his dad to pay me much attention), and to chat with my sister-in-law.  Getting all caught up on the gossip, you might say.

I am also the lucky recipient of a second broken iBook.  Emmett had one lying about.  Since his computer has different broken parts than my computer, he thought perhaps I could build a single working computer from the left-over bits.  Kind of a franken-mac experiment.  I have my doubts, but that won’t stop me from trying (does it ever?).  After all, it’ll only cost me time, and right now that’s something I have a little to spare.

+++++

Still no job, but there are a couple of prospects.  I am thinking about advertising as a tutor, but still need to find out what the going rate is.  I used to charge $10, but have a feeling that’s too low.  Especially for someone with my level of training and experience.  We’ll see.  I am still waiting to hear about the whole bus driver thing.

Wait - did I mention that?

Hmm.  Maybe not.  Just in case:  I figure one of the best part-time job opportunities (aside from tutoring) is to drive a school bus, as a sub.  It pays pretty well, and it’s flexible.  And I like big machinery.  I even like kids.  Winter’s not the greatest time to drive stuff around, but I know my way around a set of chains.

+++++

There’s a couple of other tidbits I could chat about, but most of it’s stuff I’d rather do one on one with folks, so I’ll hold off on the general discussion for now.

Curious yet?

Posted: January 4th, 2009 under all.
Comments: none

I can’t remember now if I’ve mentioned any of this or not, so I’ll just assume I haven’t:

About a week and a half ago, I attempted to register for classes at Cascadia Community College, where I will be a student for the next two or three quarters. I am taking math and physics classes that are required for a math teaching endorsement, said endorsement being part of the master’s program I hope to start this fall at UW-Bothell.

I say attempted to register, because a week and a half ago, all the classes I wanted were full. I’ve been sitting, patiently, on wait lists ever since.

This morning, I got into my first class. It’s a pre-calculus class, designed to meet the last algebra requirement. I like algebra, so this class should be a lot of fun. There are still two physics classes I’m hoping to get into, but getting into this first one is a major relief. I feel like things just might work out.

Now it’s time to tackle the shed.

Posted: January 3rd, 2009 under all, learning.
Comments: none

This morning I’ve begun the process of getting into my old bedroom at my parents’ house. By old bedroom I mean the one I had when I was five, not the one I had when I was twelve or the one I had in high school (even as a child I moved around when I could, even if it was just down the hall).

I managed to get my desktop computer set up, but sadly discovered that my system will not recognize the $3 wireless card I installed. Hmm. That means I can either run a very long ethernet cable from the bedroom to the closest router (livingroom), or I can buy a new laptop.

Ok, there are probably other choices. I could buy a wireless card compatible with Ubuntu. The thing is, I am about to start school. I also love to travel, and might be doing more of that. Having a laptop is extremely handy. And because I am a student now, I can get one for a (slight) discount.

Or I could buy a PC laptop. If it comes to that, I think I’ll just get a new wireless card.

Yes, folks. I am an apple fangirl. When I think laptop, I think macbook. I realize there’s an ocean of other choices, but I loved my iBook. I am even considering getting that fixed, rather than buying a PC. Completely illogical, I know. But Apple just makes some darn fine equipment, and if I’m going to go through the trouble of getting something new, it may as well be something I am going to be really happy with.

Or I could get a wireless card. That would be a little cheaper, I think. Maybe.

But less fun.

It’ll probably take me several days to make this decision. In the end, I will probably wind up buying a wireless card, and then also, in a few weeks, buying a macbook. There are few actual things I lust after these days, and that’s one of them.

Posted: January 2nd, 2009 under 100 things, all, consumerism, simplicity, thoughts.
Comments: none

I was browsing the cd collection at the library a few weeks ago and came across skull ring by iggy pop.  I don’t know much about iggy pop except that I liked the couple of songs I’d heard that I knew were his.  These days it’s the soundtrack to my life.  It’s especially good for days like I’ve got this week where I have too many things to do for the time I’ve got.

That’s it.  Just wanted to share.

Posted: December 29th, 2008 under all, music.
Comments: none

This morning I made what was for me a very tough decision.

I have three days left at work.  All of the projects that can be done in a short period of time have been completed.  All that’s left is a years’ long project that I’ve organized to the point where pretty much anyone who can read and use a telephone (to ask questions of the Parks’ Curator) can do the work.  This pretty much means that any work I do is busywork.

I don’t really like busywork.  But more important, I have a limited amount of time, and busywork is a really low priority.

Outside of work, my list of things to do is pretty long.  I’ve got to finish packing.  I have to clean my apartment.  I have to take yet another load of stuff to goodwill.  I have to pack my things in my car (it’s a bit of a walk from my apartment door to the nearest parking spot).  I have to get a job that pays well and is flexible with my class schedule.  I have to get into the classes I’ve wait listed.  All of this, in the next week.

Oh, and I have to spend some time with my friends here in Ellensburg.  Some people might categorize that as optional, but I don’t.  My friends are very important to me, and I want to make sure I am taking care of those relationships.  Apparently I haven’t done a good job of that lately (some fokls didn’t even know I was going to school until a couple of days ago - don’t ask me how that happened).  Certainly, spending time with important people outranks busywork.  Doesn’t it?

So this morning I sat down and had a long talk with myself.  The Puritan in me is ashamed that I would even consider not working out every last minute I committed to.  I actually have the sense that I ought to do it, as a kind of punishment (for what, I don’t know - presuming to take care of myself maybe?).

The logician has examined the situation and come to the conclusion that it makes better sense to focus on those activities that enhance long-term success (finishing moving and getting a job, for example).

There is another voice, too.  It doesn’t really have a name.  It’s the one that makes me stop when I’ve gone too far in life.  The body voice, I guess.  I usually completely ignore the signs this one sends.  After having a tumor removed, one does tend to reconsider.  I am trying to listen.  I am hearing that if I try to do it all, I will find myself exhausted on the first day of class.  And the first day of work.  I’ll have arrived, only to discovered I’d sacrificed myself for the wrong journey.  Working these last three days is not important.  Starting off my first quarter back in school in nearly five years is.

Or rather, working these last three days is important to my boss, but not important to me.  I have had a tendency in the past to put others needs before my own.  In this case, I can effectively argue that Brandon doesn’t need me, which helps.  But I certainly need to take care of myself.  I need to make sure that come January 5th, I am well rested and have the energy to dive into my classes, with some to spare for a job as well.

And it’s be nice if I could keep a social life going, too.

Reading over this, it really sounds like this should be an easy thing for me to decide.  It’s really not, though.  My sense of duty and tendency toward overwork are very strong forces in my life.  At present, they constitute a major part of my self-identity.  I am not sure that I want to lose them entirely, either.  As a teacher, I think they can be powerful tools.  But they are tools.  I need to rememeber that.  Not ends.  Tools.

Posted: December 28th, 2008 under all.
Comments: 2

Tuesday I headed over Snoqualmie Pass from Ellensburg to the Monroe area, where my parents live (and where I will be calling home for the next couple of years).  I brought with me a whole car load of boxes.  Those boxes are still in the car.

Tuesday night I barely made it up their driveway.  I got stuck during the first shot, backed up, and had to take a second shot at it.  I managed to get enough momentum to get the rest of the way up the driveway and land in the low spot where my dad normally parks (he wasn’t there).  I haven’t moved my car since.  I did bring a couple of boxes in Tuesday night, but as we’ve had nearly a foot of new snow since then, I am not sure I can now open my car door without first digging around the vehicle.

Fortunately, my dad has a four wheel drive, so we did manage to get to my brother’s house to spend Christmas Eve with family.  But today we’re not going anywhere.

So, what does one do when one is snowed in?

Why, shovel snow!

Tuesday night I started by clearing off the front porch and a small area on our patio at the base of the porch steps (to give us a safe place to start up the stairs from - they are slippery).  Yesterday morning I started blazing a trail from there (after, of course, reclearing what I’d done the day before).  I then realized that the plows had come by and deposited a nice two foot berm at the end of our driveway, making it virtually impossible for anyone to get in or out.  Since my dad was out at the time, I figured that’d be a good place to start.

I don’t know if you’ve ever done this, but here’s some advice: if you’re going to be helpful and dig out a big berm of snow, try not to start 15 minutes before you expect someone to show up wanting to drive through that area.  Having a path only half dug means they can’t drive through.  Nor can they drive over.  Lucky for me, my brother Emmett showed up before my dad got home, complete with trusty shovel.  We got the driveway cleared in no time.

This morning (again after reclearing my progress from the last two days) I got back to work.  I’ve got two trails going now: one out to the shed where the meat freezer is, and one around the back of all our cars to where I am parked (of course my spot is furthest from the door).  Because it’s snowed and thawed slightly for several days here, the bottom layers of snow more closely resemble glacier ice than anything else.  Again, advice: shoveling glacier snow is hard.  Be sure to take a lot of breaks.

Tomorrow dad and I are supposed to head over Snoqualmie Pass to pick up my furniture.  If this keeps up, we may not make it.  I have assured him that it’d be alright - we can go another day.  His response: “Why, I haven’t even put on my chains yet.  With four chains on, this thing can go anywhere!”  While that’s probably true, I just don’t know what a factor pulling a trailer will be.  Last night we tried backing it up the driveway.  We did get it parked (eventually), but it was a real challenge.

So, dear readers, that’s my Christmas so far.  By the end of the day I hope to get my trail dug all the way to my car, boxes in the house, and some of them unpacked.  At the rate it’s snowing now, that’s going to be one hell of a challenge.

And how is Christmas for you all?

Posted: December 25th, 2008 under all.
Comments: none

Christmas is in two days.  So far, I’ve managed to not participate in anything even remotely christmasy, with the exception of gifts given to me by my two bosses (cookies, which are all gone already).  I don’t really need anything more than what I’ve got.

Who am I kidding, really?  I don’t really want anything more than what I’ve got.  At least in terms of things.

What I do want is a quality of life.  That’s something I can’t really get for christmas (although I hear it’s becoming more popular as a gift for Easter).  I want to build something that is my own.  Sometimes I look back at the last fifteen years and see myself as having sort of taste-tested various lives.  I have studied nearly every subject (at least a little).  I have held jobs in everything from serious manual labor (manufacturing) to brain-intensive work (tech support).  I have lived in several parts of Washington, and even ventured as far afield as Kentucky.  I’ve traveled enough to know it’s something I love.

I am, quite frankly, beginning to run out of new things.  I’ve finally been around enough that I can lay my fear to rest: what if there’s something better out there?

The answer, I discovered, isn’t that there isn’t.  I was asking the wrong question.

It is very likely the case that no matter what one chooses, there is a better choice out there (at least a slightly better one).  To ask the what if question, though, presupposes that when one makes a choice, all other options are thus closed.

I would like to blame this idea on a book I once read about physics, that explained how quantum mechanics works.  I’d like to, but that would be pretty silly (although it did give me the concept of wave forms collapsing, which is probably what helped me understand my own behavior better.  And yes, I’d tell you what the book was called, but I can’t remember.  It was either the Dancing Wu Li Masters or the Tao of Physics.  I think.  I can’t remember, though, so don’t hold me to it.).

To digress completely: both these books were very interesting.  If you’re at a loss for something thought provoking to read, try one of these.

Back to my point (honest, I have one).  I want some things.  I want a job.  One where I get paid well for doing something I feel good about.  Where I can go to the doctor if I need to, and the idea of retirement is a concrete reality (as opposed to simply a vivid dream).  I want to buy a house on a little land.  I want to experiment with alternative energy and grow my own food.  I want to go hunting and fishing.  I want to daydream about trips I can actually afford to take.  And then I want to take them (anyone for Ireland?  That’s at the top of my list).

This doesn’t really sound like all that much to ask for, does it?

Posted: December 23rd, 2008 under all.
Comments: 2

I have no idea if this is a true story, but it’s dern funny all the same:

How not to catch a deer.

Courtesy of another Sarah.

Posted: December 22nd, 2008 under all.
Comments: 1

Six months ago, my dad suggested that rather than continue to try to eke out a living doing whatever odd jobs I could scare up, I consider choosing a path for my life and moving forward on it.  He even suggested that I stay with him and my mom for a while, as a way of giving me a chance to get a leg up.  It’s taken me all this time to realize that this was a very good idea.

I know part of the reason I was so hesitant was that I was being offered a lot of help.  What I don’t know is why this is such a big problem for me.  I love helping people, even complete strangers.  For example, last Thursday I was committed to driving from Ellensburg to Seatac (normally a two hour drive), picking up a couple of friends at the airport, shuttling them to the Tri-Cities (normally a four hour drive), and then getting myself back to Ellensburg (normally two hours).  Normally, this would have taken me eight hours.  A full day, by any measure.  But Thursday wasn’t normal.  It was Welcome to Winter weather.  If I’m not mistaken, it was snowing over the entire state, except for a tiny patch between North Bend and Issaquah (god’s favorite psych out, this time of year).  Chains were required to get over the pass between Ellensburg and Seatac, both ways.  The first leg took four hours.

When we stopped to put the chains on the second time (during the Seatac to Tri-Cities leg), a woman approached and asked if she could watch us, as she had chains but had no idea how to put them on.  I did her one better.  Not only did I let her watch, but then I accompanied her to her car, where I gave her a lesson on how to put her own on, including an explanation of each part of the chain and what it’s function was.

I was, at the time, some three hours behind schedule.

Admittedly, it only took me a few minutes to help this lady out.  I am pretty good at atking care of a lot of things on my own, so usually when I need help it’s not a matter if a few minutes.  Still, when someone offers help I have thie knee-jerk response: Really, I’m fine.  I’ll get it.  Don’t trouble yourself.  Don’t worry about me.  Honest.

And yet here I am:

• 33
• divorced
• still overweight
• in debt
• lacking in a career

Sounds a little harsh.  I don’t mean it to be, really.  I just think it’s time I realized that if I am going to do those really big things I dream about, I am going to have to quit screwing around.  Because really, that’s pretty much what I’ve done for the last decade and a half.

I screwed around.

I claim to value simplicity, and yet my life is very complicated (could this be why I value it?).  I am almost always either 1) looking for a job, 2) adjusting to my new job, 3) moving, or 4) some combination of these things.  There’s an ornery, old-lady voice in my head lately that says “Hey settle down you young whipper snapper.  You’re going to get yourself into trouble.”

(Incidentally, this is the voice I intend to use when an actual ornery old-lady.  And yes, I will be using the term whipper snapper.  Just you wait and see.)

I am very grateful to my parents, for giving me this chance to start over.  I am also grateful to my family in general and to my friends, for not laughing this time, when I said I wanted to teach.  It’s pretty amazing to me that I am lucky enough to have a life full of people who love me enough not to lose patience with me.  Someday, I might even be in a position to return the favor.

Posted: December 22nd, 2008 under all, simplicity, thoughts.
Comments: none